October 6, 930

Editors: Edward & Lauren Pike

Article by: Aramé Retter (Joshua Black)

Everyone knows how to get published in the Chronicle. You just put it in the box outside Ed Pike’s dorm and, shadoop, shebop, shebang! Good ol’ Edward helps it find its way into the next issue. Or DOES HE????

Something’s fishy about that box. Have YOU ever seen him check it? I haven’t. And even ignoring that, when does he have the time to typeset everything? Have you SEEN his schedule? It’s almost like magic. Just last month, I snuck out at three in the morning just to slip in an old cafeteria receipt, and the very next morning, it’s on the third page of the Chronicle. Again, how?

That old cafeteria receipt is another thing. “Ed” shows no editorial discretion regarding what goes to print. Nobody is picking up the Chronicle to read my grocery bills (at least I hope). So why publish it? Does he think he can avoid responsibility for what he prints if he just prints everything? OR is there something deeper…? Could it be that Ed has nothing to do with the Chronicle?? Could it be that he’s a fraud??? I wouldn’t be surprised. Ladies and gentlemen, I can’t tell you who or what is behind the Rutnucker Chronicle, but it’s not Ed and I guarantee it.

Article by: Renaine Foal (Joshua Black)

UNFINISHED

To Whom It May Concern,

If you’re the one who stole my purple toothbrush, I want you to know that I used it to clean the oven in the student kitchens. I use the pink one for my mouth. Do with that information what you will.

— Jeremy Blithe (Joshua Black)

P.S. You’re welcome for cleaning the oven.

Residents of the Boys Dorm 3rd Floor,

To everyone but Joe, I am truly sorry. I didn’t mean to cause distress. I was talking with Steph and she said you guys were bugging her and it gave me an idea. If someone in a frog costume were chasing me with a pink bullwhip, I would be scared too. I know it’s a bad look to publish this anonymously but I really don’t want to get in trouble. I hope you understand.

Joseph Pail, you hurt my feelings. How did you write “Frog Freak Flies Down Hall of Boys Dorm 3rd Floor” and think it was a good idea? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE CALLED A FROG FREAK. BUT YOU DIDN’T THINK OF THAT BECAUSE YOU WERE FOCUSED ON YOUR CLEVER LITTLE FLY PUN. YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE YOU’RE THE FROG FREAK. WATCH YOUR BACK OR YOU’RE GONNA GET LICKED LIKE A FLY. THIS IS NO EMPTY THREAT I KNOW MY WAY AROUND A BULLWHIP.

Again, to everyone else, I am truly sorry. I dropped off a bag of frog gummies by the elevator last night; I hope that helps to make amends.

— Anonymous (Joshua Black)

Advertisement by: Pink Ray (Joshua Black)

Please is there someone who wants to switch roomates. Rudy snores and its hurting my ears and I might go deaf. I’ll make you cookies. If you’re interested in cookies and being a good person please call 928-555-0136.

Advertisement by: Art Martella (Joshua Black)

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Advertisement by: Eustace Freddy (Joshua Black)

if you need any body to right a paper for you or help with copy edits i am you’re man.

Advertisement by: Lynnie Tenne (Joshua Black)

Hey guys, so I was on a caffeine-fueled cleaning frenzy and found this under my bed. I know student body elections are already over, but I spent a lot of effort on this so I’m submitting it anyway:

Lynnie Tenne for Student Body Treasurer. Consistent. Reliable. Timely.

Advertisement by: Britni Farr (Joshua Black)

By: Melany de Franc (UNDETERMINED)