Volume II, Issue VI
October 20, 930
Editors: Edward & Lauren Pike
The Actual Truth Behind the Chronicle
Article by: Joseph Pail (IRL: Joshua Black)
Aramé Retter is no less a sensationalist than Ed Pike is a fraud. It amazes me that, in last issue’s “exposé”, she neglects the strongest evidences both for and against her position. In all her incoherent ramblings, she deliberately avoids reference to Pike’s co-editor and sister, Lauren, despite her being credited alongside him on the paper. Not only would her collaboration with Edward expedite editing time, it would account for the sporadic lack of editorial discretion that Retter points out; two editors means two different tastes and a more varied output.
However, while this may appear to be conclusive evidence that the Pikes are not frauds, but the honest editors of the Chronicle, appearances can be deceiving. Observant eyes may notice that, despite being the apparent editors and typesetters, they read each issue with the same new-eyed sincerity as any other reader. How could the editors read their own work for the first time, completely unaware of its contents? They simply cannot.
This leaves one question: How is it done? Who is their true shadow editor? And as there is only one question, there is only one answer: there is no ‘true shadow editor’. The only logical conclusion is that the dropoff box outside Ed Pike’s dorm is magical. This explains the “editors’” miraculous turnaround times, lack of knowledge of their own work, and baffling lack of editorial discretion.
Quit Calling Cringe
Opinion by Betty Twain (IRL: Joshua Black)
You know what really bothers me? People calling me cringe for the things I like. All day long it's “No one cares,” “You’re giving me second-hand embarrassment,” “That song is so cringey.”
Okay, sure, maybe so. But have you considered that I might like a little bit of cringe on top of my spaghetti? Probably not, so I’ll tell you: I love cringe. It’s the sauce upon which meat becomes meatballs. It’s the butter of life’s bread. It’s the perfect parmesan grater. In fact, you calling something cringe is worse for you than it is for me. Not only are you provoking my hanger, you’re letting my cringe ruin your fun. That’s right, your day is worse because I’m having a good time and without hurting anyone.
Someone less kind might say that makes you a loser—cringe, even. But I won’t. Why? Because I want to enjoy my life, not make yours more miserable than you’ve already made it <3
Lifting the Wool From Over Your Eyes
Article by: Stephanie Nye (IRL: Joshua Black)
Hey so has anyone noticed that we're being taken for fools? You may think I'm joking, but I could not be more sincere. Have you ever been told that a piece of footage was “shot in 4K”? YOU WERE LIED! YOU WERE DECIEVED!! YOU WERE VICTIM OF AN INDUSTRY-WIDE FARCE!!! “4K” allegedly stands for four thousand, in alleged reference to the horizontal pixel count of the displace resolution. But this couldn't be further from the truth, for 4K is 3840×2160 pixels! You may be asking yourself, “Did I read that right? Surely not. It couldn't be true.” WELL YOU DID READ IT RIGHT! THEY ROUNDED THE HORIZONTAL PIXEL COUNT UP FROM 3,840 TO 4,000, AS IF WE WOULDN'T NOTICE THE 160 PIXEL DIFFERENCE!! THEY'RE THE FOOLS THEY THOUGHT US TO BE!!!
Note: Hey guys, sorry for the outburst. It was really late when I wrote this and I think I was on the tail end of a sugar crash. I was going to also write about how 1440p and 2K/1080p are equally deceptive names, but I don't think that would be good for my blood pressure. And Joseph, if you read this and write another sham article claiming that I stopped taking my antipsychotics, I swear to all that is holy that you won't live to see another day.
Come To My Party
Invitation from: Porter Marko (IRL: Joshua Black)
I had a birthday a few weeks ago, and I really didn't care. The most I did was make seven-layer bean dip and watch a movie with a friend, but I didn't tell them it was for my birthday. Please don't get me wrong, I'm grateful I was born, but it's not something that really affects me in my day-to-day life. Something that does affect me in my day-to-day life is my deathday.
When I started my Freshman year at Rutnucker's, I felt like oil in a water glass. Somehow, everyone knew everyone, and I was the only one who couldn't mix in. When something was for the “whole class,” it was for everyone in the class group chat, where I had either been overlooked or rejected. No one was outright mean to me, just indifferent. People were my friends, but I wasn't theirs.
No one really cared about me, and I started to believe that I didn't care about myself either. In economics, we learned that something's value is only what others will give for it. If no one would give me love, or give me attention, then what did that mean about my value? I thought I had a really good answer. I want to be clear that my change in mindset was not fast; I didn't wake up one day and decide that I had zero worth. One day, I entertained the belief that I was worthless. The next day, I entertained it a little longer. By my Sophomore year, I was almost clinging to the idea that I was worthless.
On October 25th, while taking a 2:00am leak, Sam Hansen found me unconscious in a bathroom stall. By a miracle, they were able to recognize that I needed Nalaxone, had some in their dorm, and was able to administer it in time. The thing I'm most grateful to Sam for is that, after the whole ordeal was over, Sam made a genuine effort to become my friend. Sam cared. One day, months later, I entertained the belief that I was worth something. Then the next day, I entertained it a little longer. Today, it's not a question.
Next Wednesday is the second anniversary of the day I would have died. Unlike my birthday, that day does affect me in my day-to-day life. This is an open invitation. I want you to come.
I Did Not Steal Your Toothbrush Jeremy
See Vol. II, Iss. V, Letter to Toothbrush Thief
Fellow students,
As the title implies, I would like you to know Jeremy, I did not steal your toothbrush. Now that that's out of the way, as an unrelated question, does anyone know if the nurse keeps spare toothbrushes? Or if there's some way to buy them? I have four dollars. Also unrelated question, just out of curiosity, how dirty was the oven? Again, these questions are completely unrelated and I'd like to stress that I did NOT steal Jeremy's toothbrush, nor do I have any reason to be concerned about the toothbrush's previous usage, I'd simply like to purchase a toothbrush. Did you know that you're supposed to change out your toothbrush every three months? Well, it has been three months, and I just happen to need a new toothbrush right when Jeremy's goes missing. It's more likely than you think. I also quite like ovens. Thank you for cleaning the oven Jeremy.
— Timothy Green (IRL: Brianna Richins)
We Know It Was You
See Volume II, Issue V, Apology to the Residents of the Boys Dorm 3rd Floor
Gwen,
Hey queen, I’m writing for the boys dorm 3rd floor. Just want to say a few things:
- No shade on you, but the whole anonymous thing didn’t work too well. There’s only one person around with a pink bullwhip, so we figured it out pretty quickly. No shade, wanted you to know.
- We got your gummies and accept your apology. In the future, please let us know ahead of time so we can be ready in costume.
- We’re really sorry for what Joe said, you definitely didn’t deserve that. Let us know if he bothers you again.
Sincerely,
— Residents of the Boys Dorm 3rd Floor, c/o Hank Fry (IRL: Joshua Black)
Artichoke Dip
Recipe by: August Freya (IRL: Joshua Black)
Ingredients
- 8 oz. Cream cheese
- 1 cup Parmesan cheese
- 1/2 cup Mayonnaise
- 1/2 cup Sour Cream
- 4 oz. Marinated artichoke hearts
Directions
- Preheat the oven to 325°.
- Blend together the cream cheese, parmesan cheese, mayonnaise, and sour cream.
- Drain the artichoke hearts, chop, and stir into the cheese mix.
- Spread the mixture across an 8×13 inch oven dish. Bake for 30 minutes.
- Serve hot with corn chips.
Looking for New-er Roomate
Advertisement by: Rudy Smith (IRL: Brianna Richins). See Vol. II, Iss. V, Looking for New Roommate
If anyone who read “Looking For New Roommate” is considering Pink's offer, I thought it might interest you to know that Pink's absolute favorite pastime is leaving clothes on the floor. Even when his hamper is RIGHT. THERE. It's right there! Yet where does he decide to put his clothes? On the FLOOR. I'm not even sure if his side of the room HAS a floor at this point with so many clothes. Sure, I might snore a little, but at least I can FIND MY BED without needing a BULLDOZER to MAKE A PATH.
Anyways, this is my official ad for anyone who wants to be MY new roommate. My number is 822-555-1037. I can't bake, but I'll give you $20.
Writer for ̶H̶i̶g̶h̶e̶r̶ [Hire]
Advertisement by: Eustace Freddy Elizabeth Whiting (IRL: Brianna Richins). See Vol. II, Iss. V, Writer for Higher
If you need any body [anybody] to right [write] a paper for you or help with copy edits[,] I am you’re [your] man.
If you would like genuine help with your English assignments, then I’m your woman. I charge $5 per edit.
P.S. Eustace, that’ll be $35.
Racists Club
Advertisement by: Richard Dans (IRL: Joshua Black)
Hey guys, I’m thinking about a new club for racists. I have a couple golf carts, and some people from the Tinkerers Club could help us modify them for racing. Let me know if you like racing and are interested. We’re still trying to find a sponsor.